This is for the person I love. The person I have to let go. This is for the person I fought to show my love to, and wanted to be loved by so badly. It will not take only 1 day, 1 week, or 1 year to let you go.
Two years ago, when I walked away, I thought it would be easy, because of all the stress you put me under. But, it’s been two years, and I still cannot forget you.
I constantly compare how others make me feel to how you make me feel. I constantly compare how other’s touch is like to yours; compare the laughter I share with others, with the laughter I shared with you.
The sweetest moments I miss are the ones when I’m sleeping on your chest or when we are sleeping turning away from one another but you turn over and pull me into your arms in the middle of the night like a little child needing his teddy bear;
or when we’d drink coffee and stay up all night until 4:00 am, scheming our future plans about opening a restaurant together, and all the different types of dishes we’d serve there. It wouldn’t be just an ordinary type of place to enjoy. It would be filled with excitement, and our love.
I wanted to love you. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to be everything you never had, because you were everything I never had.
You were the mother’s encouragement I never received.
A brother’s protection I never felt.
A sister’s listening ear I never knew of.
A father’s warm hug I stopped receiving.
Watching you grow and learn how to navigate the world was a joy to me. I know you and I weren’t perfect, but I knew we loved each other.
I know I’m imperfect, but you saw that in me, and saw me worthy to love. Even at my lowest points, you still looked at me with joyful eyes, always telling me I was enough. But as we separated, you changed. Your feelings changed. You don’t love me the same way. You don’t see me the same way.
I still yearn to hold you, touch you, kiss you, be around your warm presence, but the side you’ll never show me holds you back from ever being present with me.
You strive to be something, to mean something to the world, but I want you to know, that you meant something to me. You were something to me.
I ask you, why can’t you just spend time with me without asking me to do something for you. I wondered all along from the beginning, if what you felt for me was ever real, or were you just using me to fill the darkness inside you, the lack that you could not fill yourself.
You used me in every way. And yet, I still love you I forgive you, and I still cannot forget the way your hands feel on my thigh, the way your face brushes against my cheek, the way your splooshy lips kiss me softly on every part of my body.
My skin loves to stick to you.
All I can do is love you, and maybe that is not enough for you. And you will continue to search for the thing that you don’t have. But once you get there, hopefully you don’t look back to see that you lost someone who loved you deeply.
Maybe you don’t love me. Maybe you did just use me because I gave so much to you. But I can’t help but still love you. But I know. I have to let you go. Wash you away from my skin, day by day, until I can look forward and not yearn for your presence, or daydream about going somewhere tropical with you, because your presence warms me like Hawaii.
I have to let you go love.
Wishing you only Peace and Love.
❤ Wabi Sabi