“This beautiful toxic love of mine .”
When you find yourself in a toxic relationship where you always feel like your holding your breath, there’s no space to breathe, there are no boundaries, and you cry more than you smile, ask yourself why you’re enduring this?
Of course, there are beautiful moments and beautiful feelings that come with the negativity, but at the end of the day, you know in your heart, a healthy relationship should not be this way.
I always say, reflect on your past, and your childhood. There was something you learned, something you experienced as a child that told you this was okay. Relationships in general stems from how you felt and how you were treated as a child. When you were young, you were still trying to understand the world and learn what is true and what is not. Sometimes you experience great trauma, and believe that this injustice done to you is your norm after you grow accustomed to it. Then it carries over into your relationships.
Reflect deeply and ponder on these questions to make the connections you need to help you move forward from toxicity.
Who did not love you that you wanted to be loved and seen by?
Most of the time we seek and fall into a toxic relationship because we were once starved of feeling loved and seen, most likely by parents. Oh beautiful girl, you wanted to be seen, and told you were beautiful, and just enough as you are. Remember as a child, you sought for an older role-model to copy and follow. We seek love in others when we do not have it in the home. Human beings seek this great love, but truthfully, we may not even love ourselves, so we want someone to fill that empty space, yet it could never be filled. You would just drain that other person because you are in need of so much love that only you can give to yourself.
Who took away your power? Who took away your voice?
People who fall into mentally or physically abusive relationships were once stripped away from being their own person or silenced as a child. Did someone scare you as a child? Do you still hold that fear now every time you try to speak your mind? And when you do speak your mind and it’s not heard, do you get frustrated and uncontrollably angry? Are you trying to hide behind someone? Even though your voicing what you want no one seems to care about your thoughts. So you think you don’t matter. Who took your voice? How can you regain it?
Why do you care so much about how others see you?
Who put you down as a child? Doesn’t it feel horrible to be picked out? You never want to feel like that again. So you always have to make sure you are perfect so no one can say anything about you. You are so afraid to be yourself, because being yourself may cause people to repel from you. Who told you that you are not good enough? Why listen to them. You have always been perfect the way you are. Just because one person is treating you horribly, who says you still need to continue to please them and make them love you? If you love yourself enough, you’d bring yourself to the light in this situation.
You run back to the person that you hurt you because:
- You rather have someone than be alone and hurting on your own. But you’re still unhappy and will still be in pain. It won’t go away because you are with the person that is causing it. Yet if you were alone, it’ll hurt badly but time will make things better.
- You’ve become addicted to this person like a drug because though they don’t fulfill the most important A, but they fulfill the y and z that makes you feel a little better.
- They are your only support. Though you have family, you may not be close or open to them to share your true self and your struggles.
Reflection is the key to growing and becoming your true self. Reflect on why you are making unhealthy decisions for yourself. Why do you have such a great need to hold onto this person that’s causing you immense pain? Maybe you’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. At least you feel something right? But, would it be so bad to let go? Would it be so bad to build happiness in yourself? To achieve how you feel with this toxic lover when you are with You? What is he doing that is filling you up? Are you truly just searching for that within yourself? Reflection.
❤ Wabi Sabi