“If you don’t stand for anything, you’ll fall for everything.” –
In searching for love, for someone to understand me, want to spend time with me and give me attention–in searching for someone who could just be “nice” to me, I fell for everything. I fell for beautiful faces with charming smiles who winked and held my hand. It made me feel good inside. It made me feel wanted. But, those were the beautiful faces that were just like me–empty–lost–desperately searching for something to fill those black holes inside them. They fed on naïve girls like me who desperately lost herself in trying to be a rehabilitation center for broken men; when she was so broken herself. Couldn’t he see it? He saw it, but he was too drowned in his pain to care. He just needed a place to rest until he could find a better one.
Well what about those super nice guys that were really just “nice”? I fell for them too. I was a self-absorbed, angry, ya noe. They just were not exciting enough for me, not spontaneous enough. Honestly, I just was not attracted to the “nice” guys I dated. I had no idea who I was or what I stood for. How could I have possibly known what I liked?
But I knew this for a fact. I was attracted to corruption. I was attracted to handsome and unpredictable boys desperate for affection and attention. I was drawn to brokenness, just like me. I could smell their pain just like they could smell mine. They could see through my highly positive façade; how easy it was to nest in my body, with just a few promises, a few I Love Yous, and a few sweet favors; how easy it was for me to allow them to take my body in exchange for a drug I needed so badly; love.
I knew exactly what I was, an independent strong women, but I couldn’t fully become her yet because I continued to run away from my pain. I filled my black holes with strong arms, sweet words, and empty promises. I couldn’t fully be strong independent Cydi, yet I always felt her trying to climb out of the abyss I pushed her in. I fell into numbing and layering things over my pain. But my true self was under all that pain; true Cydi. It was only when I decided to face my pain and looked it in the eyes that I began to see my authentic self underneath all the layers.
To use love as a drug to numb my pain; to run away from things I wanted to stand for, things I truly was passionate about, but I feared that when I did stand for them, everyone would leave me. So, for the longest time, I chose to fall for everything just to feel something, and feel like I belonged somewhere.
Taking back your body is not easy. Taking back your body means facing your pain first. It means to remove all those cracked layers you toppled over your pain to finally see your beautiful self. If you continue to layer things over your pain and your true self, you will continue to hand yourself, your beautiful body, over to undeserving people. The only one who can claim your body is you. The only one is YOU.
You don’t own anyone but yourself. No one owns you but yourself. The whole idea in a relationship where you claim one another as territory is the most toxic thing I’ve ever come across. Yes, from experience. It’s an idea sprouted from people who layers their pain with material things and quick pleasures. They are the ones don’t understand themselves, attempting to gain control and power. Their insecurity within themselves drives them to dictate and seek to own the other person, because they don’t even own their emotions, their well-being–they don’t even own their own happiness.
The most important thing you own is yourself, your body, and life energy that holds your true self. Let no one take that from you my beautiful girls and women.
To be continued…
Peace and Love
❤ Wabi Sabi
Taking Back my Body Series are posted on Wednesday bi-weekly. Audio version may be posted on the same day or following day.