Hello beautiful humans of this earth. Guess what? 2019 has come! And let me tell you how ecstatic I am that 2019 is here. 2018 has been one heck of a year for me and I’m sure for a lot of you too. I just want to take some time to reflect about my 2018 year; memories, triumphs, and accomplishments I experienced. Over all, my 2018 was a tough but loving year. I’m so glad to have gone through it to understand myself, to truly learn how to forgive others, myself, and love myself fully and completely despite my flaws and my past mistakes.
Here are my top 5 highlights of the year.
1. Being single
I cannot believe I have been single for one whole year! That is some true commitment! I remember my young self getting out of one relationship and sky diving into another one. I was not concsious before of why I was searching for love in men. I had to isolate and allow myself to sit in my thoughts, my trauma, and pain to understand why I kept this ongoing cycle. In 2018 I made a conscious decision to stay single for at least one year to fully give myself time to know what I truly wanted in life. Yes I went on a few dates, but I found it pointless and misleading to the person when I wasn’t looking for something more. I loved getting to know people but I never wanted to get into relationships with them. I am so proud of myself for staying single. Being single is initially hard especially if you’re used to having someone there all the time. You will suffer and you will want someone to be by your side late at night. You will cry, you will feel alone, you may even fall into deep depressions, but trust me, once the wave of sadness passes through, it will mostly be beautiful blue seas and sunshine. This has been one of my greatest accomplishments of 2018.
2. Admitting I’m not perfect
Back in October, I came out about my battle with depression. That shed pounds off of me; just letting it out, telling people I am not happy all the time. I’ve actually battled with depression since I was a child, all alone. I’ve been going to therapy since October and that has opened so many doors to self-healing, and self-acceptance. I’ve learned that it is okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to talk about my feelings, and it is okay to be my sensitive self. I don’t need to hide this anymore. I don’t have to mask any longer. I can finally smile at people and actually be happy. I am so proud of myself, and so happy to see so many of my loved ones supporting me.
I have danced so much in 2018! It’s crazy! I am so happy my team won 1st place for two competitions in November and December. All the hard work of dancing late nights and gluing gems, and sewing our outfits paid off. Though we did not place for our last competition in California, I am still so proud of Minnesota Sunshine and how much we accomplished. Our Rhino routine was one of the toughest choreography I have ever danced. I am so proud of my team for pulling off this crazy hard routine.
I also auditioned for the Timberwolves Dance Team back in July 2018 and I was so surprised at myself for getting into the last round. I had no expectations going into it. I just wanted to do something I was scared to do and now I can say I did it. It was such a great experience to audition for the team! My two girls and I also danced for the opening ceremony of the Chinese garden at Phalen Lake. What an honor it was to dance for the ceremony! Sadly, for 2019, I am deciding to put my dancing career more on the low key side and focus more on my writing. I will never stop dancing, ever.
4. Starting my empowerment blog
This blog has saved me. It was my expression outlet. I wanted a safe place to show people who I really was. This was a great way to do it as I love writing. I finally am able to empower and inspire people the way I want to in my own true voice. I started a project called “Dam You’re Beautiful” back in October to encourage women to look within themselves and learn to love and accept themselves. And through that, we all can help one another be the best versions of ourselves! for 2019, I want to intensify my content and presence so you just wait! I know my blog, my writing and art will help someone as how others’ art and words have inspired me.
5. Cutting off toxic people
This was the toughest thing I endured in 2018. The most toxic people in your life seems to be the most addictive people. I broke off with the person I was with around this time of year in Jan 2018, but he seemed to creep into my life every few months after that. It was an addictive toxic cycle, where I knew he wasn’t good for me and he had no good intentions in seeing me. But, I had this strong pull to still be with him, and see him. I still had so much compassion and love for him, though he has done me wrong in the worst ways. I honestly was not able to fully pull away from him until early September 2018. It was my spiraling month, where so many thoughts of taking my life pervaded my mind. I almost killed myself. I wanted to so bad, but there was a light, talking through me, telling me to hold on, to not take those pills and be patient. I still think about that night, that whole month of darkness. There was someone who came into my life in October, and I thought he was a gift from the universe. He honestly lifted me out of the darkness into the light. I thought he knew me and saw me in a way no one else did. I felt this deep connection with him. He was someone I went to school with but I never really knew him in that way. But, as time continued, I realized he was untrue, and he wasn’t the person I thought he was. And again, depression spiraled, asking God, why I was put through all these tests. Why did God have to be so cruel to trick me that there was someone who understood what I was going through? But then again, I was shown, that the only person that can heal me, and love me was myself. I had to be strong and stand my ground, and know my worth. After all these experiences with people, I learned to see people for who they are, and I learned to cut people off real quick if they showed any signs of inauthenticity. Greatest Lesson I’ve learned for 2018.
I’ve suffered, I’ve learned, and I’ve grown so much in 2018 and I wish to not repeat it! 2019 will be my year to blossom into my true self. I hope the same for you my beautiful friends.
❤ Wabi Sabi