My 7 year addiction

When you think, “addiction,” the things that pop into your mind are probably, drugs? Alcohol? Prescription pills? But, addiction runs deeper than just these. Addiction carries many faces: over-eating, video games, sleeping, shopping, coffee, and sex. And the list goes on. As for me, I was addicted to the one thing every single person in this universe needs and searches for. Love; the idea of love, chasing love, yearning and longing for love.

How do you know if you’re addicted to love? You always feel the need to see him, text him, and check up on him. When you feel sad, you run to him expecting him to make you happy, and when he can’t, you blame him.  It’s as if you can’t go a day without talking or seeing him.  You need a dose of him before anything. You let your love determine your mood, your happiness, and your worth. It’s as if the whole world ends when your “addiction” is out of your grasp. Most importantly, when he hits you, verbally abuses you,  forces you to engage in sex, cheats on you, you find yourself falling back into his arms, because guess what. Your addicted, and no matter how horrible he treats you, you are hooked.

I was in a toxic relationship, where we both physically and verbally abused each other. He cheated on me, lied to me about different girls, his whearabouts and intentions, and showed pure ignorance of my well being and safety. I was so shocked and hurt that this man can utter “I Love you” to me. But, yet I stayed with him for a long time, going back and forth, leaving when he does something wrong, but running right back, because the urge, the addiction was too strong to stay away for too long.

One or the other was not at fault, because I believe we both were incomplete, empty people doing our best to complete eachother,  but you can’t make something whole if both of the pieces are cracked and broken. Both pieces of the puzzle have to be solid and well-put together to achieve wholeness.

Every addiction gives you a temporary high and then it follows with constant lows after that. My addiction to love, well, it was the same. I was happy for the moment when they were there. I let their presence hide my incompleteness, my pain, my loneliness and my anger. I used them to mask my insecurities, searching for acceptance and validation from them. This continuous seven year cycle since 15 until 22, twirled me into relationship after relationship, all ending mostly the same: unhappy and this pounding question: Did I really love him or did I only love the idea of love? In every relationship, I felt this itch and irritation inside of me. My inner voice was always telling me, this is not for you, yet my love addiction overpowered and left me circling round and round.

This addictive ideal that love would save me, or having a boyfriend who loved me completely turned unhealthy.  I held every boyfriend by the neck. I sought to control every aspect of the relationship by morphing it into the ideal relationship I always saw in the movies (which we all know are completely untrue). Since a kid, I never felt like I was good enough, but that feeling maximized when I was in a relationship. Everytime I caught them staring at another woman’s butt, I projected that as me unable to meet up to their standards. Deeper insecurities and anger formed. I turned that anger towards them and myself, discouraging me and telling myself of how unworthy I was.

But as 23 year old Wabi Sabi now, how did I over come this Love Addiction? Simple. When I decided to put myself first. When I decided to save myself instead of waiting for someone to come to my rescue. When I realized, I was GOOD ENOUGH. When I knew I deserved better than how he was treating me. And of course watching and listening to hundreds of  Oprah Winfrey inspirational videos religously over a span of six months.

Addiction is no joke. I believe addiction should be watched and understood better, because as people observing, you think we have a “choice,” but truth is the addiction over powers the will of choice at the moment. People become addicted to things because they are missing something and they use that to fill it temporarily. It’s the attempt to reach wholeness. Under every addiction holds great pain that needs to be faced head on. You and I were addicted or currently addicted to something, but we have the choice to be aware of our decisions. Reflect: What pain are you masking with this addiction? When you are aware of the masked pain and can answer WHY you want to get rid of this dependence, you can finally make the choice to get better.

Love addiction is definitely no joke, and I believe that it is a common addiction we are all unaware of. It’s one of the most deadly addictions that leads to an endless cycle, self-inflicted pain and suicides. Please love with no chains, baggage, or expectations. Once, you stop this addictive search for love, love will come. And you will know the difference between an addiction and real love.

Wabi Sabi

2 thoughts on “My 7 year addiction”

  1. This was very inspirational. You are a very beautiful person inside and out. I’m glad you are taking the time to realize your worth and no one should ever make you question how amazing of a person you are. Keep up the great stories – they are inspiring!

    Like

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